Car Phone

A while back, my husband purchased a new car complete with a car phone. This is his third. Phone, not car. This rounds out his collection nicely.......car phone, cell phone and blackberry. Some people collect art, some rare books, my husband collects phones.
Ah, but this is different, even necessary, he claimed. This allows him to talk on the phone while driving, hands-free. It even has voice command, so he can dial without having to take his eyes off the road for a split second. It is easier, safer, and makes life better.
Easier? Faster than a speeding bullet, able to program any cell phone in a single instant......look, it's Tim. And this phone was kryptonite. First, a lesson from the salesman. Hit this button, pull this lever and talk. See? What could be simpler?
Several days, a trip or two back to the dealer and one shredded instruction book later, he had the names and numbers of family and friends installed, easy as pie. He also had the salesman's name and number installed whether he wanted it or not, since it was used as the test entry. We still call him occasionally. But not on purpose . Which brings us to safer.
Yes, he can make a call without having the distraction of holding a phone and pushing buttons. Just a flick of a lever, a simple command,"Dial name", and he is making the world a better place. A woman's voice calmly asks, "name please?". And then all hell breaks loose.
Tim says his brother's name. The phone calls his sister. He says his sister's name. It calls his cooworker. The names sound nothing alike, but it doesn't seem to matter to this phone. Willy-nilly, it randomly places calls. It's sort of like playing Wheel of Fortune. You never know whether you are getting the trip to Hawaii, or going bankrupt. Come to think of it, the voice does sound a little bit like Vanna......
Tim's response to this is to 1. push frantically at the end button twelve to thirteen times while shouting, "NO!!!!!" 2. jerk the lever abruptly and, loudly and with ennunciation that would make Henry Higgins weep for joy, repeat his request. 3. repeat steps one and two, changing the tone and pitch of his voice each time sounding like everyone from James Earl Jones to Tiny Tim.
When steps 1,2,and 3 fail to get results, he begins to add colorful words and phrases to his request, suggesting things that are not anatomically possible. Vanna, of course, remains calm throughout. She asks him, "Please repeat." It only goes downhill from there. So much for safer.
When he does hit the jackpot and is connected to the person he actually wanted to call, we invariably ride throuh a dead zone and watch in dismay as the signal bars click down to nothing. You do not want to know what happens then.
Yeah, easier, safer and better.