The Lawn

Getting someone to mow your lawn is like applying for a job. You scour the paper and the internet for some leads, you make a dozen or so phone calls (leaving increasingly desperate voicemails as your grass begins to obscure the second story windows), and then you sit by the phone and wait for someone, anyone, to please return your call.

Finally, the phone rings. You look at the caller ID. It is a lawn service. Your heart rate speeds up, your palms begin to sweat. Could this be your lucky day? Is it actually one of the companies calling you back, or have you begun to hallucinate, high on the smell of uncut grass and dandelion fluff? With bated breath, you answer the phone. Today is your lucky day! They agree to come out...and give you an estimate.

Before you get too excited though, there is the small matter of references.....yours, not theirs. How did you hear about them? Do you personally know any of their other clients? Who was doing your lawn before? What is your shoe size, your mother's maiden name, your first childhood pet?

Crossing your fingers, you try to bluff your way through. Was this the first place you called or the tenth? Were they the ones from your internet search that had they dancing grubs on their site, or were they the company with the biggest ad in the phone book? Maybe they are the ones whose truck you chased through the neighborhood trying to get the number off the side, causing pedestrians to leap into nearby hedges for safety. Who cares. You just need someone, anyone to cut your grass before the county puts up a condemned sign in your front yard and the neighbors show up at your door with torches and pitchforks.

Good news. They agree to come out... and give you an estimate...within the next five to seven days. Having successfully passing the initial job interview, you heave a sigh of relief, which quickly turns to a groan of trepidation. Like choosing an outfit for the callback interview (Blouse or knit top? Skirt or pants?), you begin to critically assess your yard. Do the bushes need trimming? Do the flowers need plant food? Do the beds need weeding? Should you try to impress them with your high standards of a well-manicured yard, or make them pity you for having to hack your way through a jungle each night to reach your front door?

Meanwhile, the grass continues to grow at an alarming rate. Small children and animals are in danger of being lost forever if they stray too far off the path. National Geographic camera crews show up scouting locations for their next prime time special.

Just when you are seriously considering either buying a goat or blacktopping the entire yard and calling it a day, someone finally shows up to give you an estimate. Of course, this is all done under the veil of secrecy. God forbid they would knock on your door and introduce themselves. You might actually want to talk to them. No, they park across the street, don caouflage gear and, with the stealth and skill of a Green Beret, they infiltrate the backyard, recording their findings in a top secret code with invisible ink, which they will promptly eat if discovered.

Ahh, but they haven't counted on our determination to hire them. We spot them as they sprint back to the safety of their truck. With escape mere seconds away, we apprehend them and force them to reveal their "eyes only" plans for our yard.

They offer, we counter. Schedules are consulted, numbers fly back and forth. Future plans for flowers, bushes, and shrubs are discussed. Dental, retirement and medical plans can not be far behind. Will they want childcare, reimbursement for travel expenses, a fully equipped gym and spa?

At last, a contract is agreed upon, and they make good with their escape, but not before we extract a promise that they will return to cut our grass....within the next five to seven days!