Have A Nice Day

Two days ago, I spotted a Verizon truck in our neighborhood...and we have not had service since.

It started innocently enough. First, there was intermittent static on the line. I blamed the cordless phone that I had left out in the rain. I switched phones. Static was still there. I tried the land line. Static was still there. I blamed the weather conditions outside and waited to see if it was cleared up by yesterday morning. Nope. Still had static. Only now, there was no dial tone either.

So I called Verizon(on my cell phone).

Like everyone else these days, they have an automated system. Now, I always swore that I would not use a computer until it could talk to me like on Star Trek. That day has arrived. A calm, pleasant sounding woman's voice asked me a series of questions that required yes or no answers.

Yes, I wanted the English version. No, I didn't have a question about my billing. Yes, I was calling about a problem with my phone. No, it was not the number I was calling from (duh). Yes, I wanted it fixed (double duh). No, I did not have a dog or locked fence which would present a problem. Yes, I wanted to schedule an appointment(duh again). No, I did not want them to text me updates on the status of my order which I would be charged for (and I'm not paying for days I have no service either, so there. I volunteered that bit of info on my own, but it didn't seem to mean anything to her). Yes, I wanted them to call me the day before the guy came out. (And, yes, my patience was coming to an end).

Before I had a meltdown though (funny, I don't remember the computer on Star Trek being nearly this annoying), Ms. Verizon told me that she would put me on the schedule for a service visit. But first.....

Had I checked to see that it wasn't our phone in the house? I should go around and plug each phone into a different jack to make sure it wasn't the phone. Then, if I still had the problem, I should find the box where the line comes into the house, take a screwdriver, take off the cover and check to see if the problem is there. Oh, but don't do this if it is raining or thundering and lightening. That could be dangerous. YA THINK???

Okay, so basically, after twenty minutes of trying to get someone whose job it is to come out and fix a problem which I'm pretty sure they caused in the first place, I am now supposed to strap on a tool belt and fix it myself to save them the trouble. And what happens if the problem isn't here? Will I then find myself up a pole wearing a hardhat and leather gloves? And am I supposed to do all this while I put them on hold, or should I call back and watch another twenty minutes of my life go down the drain?

Apparently, the automated system doesn't understand when you add a few expletives in with the yes and no answers. They switched me to a live person.

"Donna" (names have been changed to protect the stupid), wanted to know what number I was calling about. Then, I had to verify the name and address on the account to make sure it was really me (do they actually have people who are trying to scam them into fixing other people's phones?). Ms. Verizon hadn't made me do that, but I wasn't about to waste more time questioning someone who probably didn't know the answer anyway and didn't understand sarcasm.

She tried to lead me through the same series of yes and no questions I had already answered, so I cut to the chase: My phone isn't working and I want someone to come out and FIX MY PHONE!!!!! And, no, I am not going to the mainframe and repairing it myself.

Wisely, she moved on. Okay, the first available service tech could come next Thursday. Next Thursday? Next Thursday? As in one week from now? Are you serious? She was serious.

Begging and pleading didn't get me an appointment any sooner either. Neither did telling her that this was the reason why everybody hated the phone company and they were losing customers to Comcast. Or that it was their fault to begin with since we hadn't had any problems before their guy worked in the neighborhood the day before. Apparently, this was nothing she hadn't heard before.

Resigning myself to my fate, I refused her offer of a text message to let me know the status of my job(what is it with these people, do they not charge us enough to use the phone as it is?) and gave her a number where they could reach me if they could come out sooner.

"Is that your home phone or cell?" she asked.

"Seriously?" I asked incredulously. "Do you get why I am calling? It's because my home phone is NOT WORKING!!! If you could call me on my home phone, we would not be having this conversation."

Well, was there another number they could reach me at?

Why? Were you planning to screw up my cell phone too since that is also on the Verizon network?

Then, after a five minute disclaimer on how if the problem wasn't with the mainframe, they would have to charge me for the visit (oh, what a shocker. You've figured out another way to get more money out of me. Tell me, what is the cost difference between having your guy fix it as opposed to me fixing it myself? Is there any difference? I'm guessing there isn't.), she wished me a good day.

Too late.