Different Strokes for Different Folks

I was talking to my sister the other day while she was in Florida visiting my parents. Since the weather was not conducive to sitting at the pool or going to the beach, they had instead gone to the mall. God help them all.

For my mother and I, shopping is necessary for survival. Like the hunter/gatherers of old, we can spend hours ferreting out a good sale, pouncing on the perfect shirt to go with a certain skirt or pair of pants. The poor thing doesn't stand a chance.

We dig through massive racks of end of season clothing for that one bargain that will be the envy of shoppers everywhere, then head off to the dressing rooms clutching our prizes all marked: fifty percent off the lowest ticket price!

The smell of new shoe leather makes us dizzy with delight and an expensive bowl hiding on a clearance table sends us into spasms of joy. It is all we can do to contain ourselves when we spot a dollar store or outlet mall.

My sister shares some of these traits...as long as she is shopping for jeans, T-shirts or outdoor type clothing. Take her into Ann Taylor or Sephora and her eyes glaze over faster than you can say "free makeover". Within seconds, she is searching for the nearest exit and/or easy chair and googling "Foot Locker" on her iphone. Our best shopping trip together was when she came with me to a great little boutique and they offered her a glass of wine to kill the pain of watching me try on dresses.

Conversely, when she gets into an L.L. Bean or Hudson Trail Outfitters, you need a crowbar to get her out. Her goal there is to try on one of everything and fill as many shopping bags as she can carry and then order the rest online. Searching for the ultimate sneaker or work shoe with her can suck hours out of your life and make you want to run screaming into the night.

My father, on the other hand, views any shopping expedition as more or less a seek-and-destroy military operation.

He interrogates you on what stores you expect to try and visit while at the mall so he can park the car in the optimal spot for a quick invasion and an even quicker getaway. Before leaving the car, there is the mandatory synchronization of watches so that you don't go over your extimated time and cut into lunch hour.Then, using the mall directory which he keeps in the car for planning purposes, he maps out the plan of attack highlighting the quickest route from store A to store B.

Once in the mall, he forges ahead, calling out directions such as, "Left at Williams-Sonoma and then a right at Starbucks!" like a general leading the invasion on Normandy. Although he has factored in some time for a few side trips to stores that were not previously run through the appropriate channels, the quickest way to drive him crazy is to tell him you just want to browse. It just throws the whole battle plan off.

Now this is not to say that he doesn't try to be gracious about things. He amiably agrees to wait outside any store you want to go into and he will even follow you right through the larger department stores. Sometimes you can even get him to browse through the men's section on his own or stop by a gadget store to check out the latest guy toys...for about three minutes. But the whole time you are shopping, you are aware that you are on the clock. And the longer you take, the less like General Paton he becomes and the more like the Rain Man.

"It's getting near lunchtime," he'll say. "It's almost noon." "If we don't eat lunch soon, we'll be running into dinnertime and then we won't be hungry for dinner." "Maybe we should just eat a small lunch." "We could eat at the food court, but a restaurant would be better." "Maybe we should leave the mall and go to that place down the road before it gets too crowded." "Did you get what you needed?" "We can come back, if you want, but right now, it's getting near lunchtime."

And so he marshals the troops and marches everyone back to the car.

Yeah. God help them all.