If It's Not One Helpline, It's Another

Why do I even try? I should know better. Helplines do not help.

For some reason, I forgot this simple rule and called the AT&T helpline. I didn't want to. I really tried to avoid it. I went online first and tried to sign up for automatic bill pay (something else I should know by now doesn't work for me), but I needed some sort of temporary code to create an account, and so I had to call.

The first call, I was cut off in the middle of explaining my problem. Wow. A new low for even a helpline.

The second call went marginally better. They listened to my problem, told me I had the wrong number and sent me back to the automated system.

The third call is the one that wins the prize though. I explained what I needed and shockingly, they couldn't help, so I was transferred...to someone else who couldn't help, but they transferred me to a third person who was also unable to help. Hmmm, let's see, so far I have talked to five people from your helpline who have given me NO HELP!!!

Perhaps you might want to consider renaming your helpline something more accurate like the "customer aggravation" line, or the "we have no intention of ever helping anyone" line. Then, when you accidentally help someone, it will be a pleasant surprise.

The last person must have wisely believed that if he just transferred me again, I really would come down the phone line and make him sorry he showed up for work that day, because he put me on hold. Not exactly what I had in mind. Hold. Purgatory. Is there a difference?

Actually, there was a slight difference this time. Instead of being subjected to endless choruses of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree" played by Zamfir on his pan flute, I was forced to listen to a recording encouraging me to register online to pay my bill. Hello...trying!!!

I'd love to know whose genius idea it was to taunt customers (me) with what you are not letting me do. Why don't you just go to the zoo, find a bear who is still hibernating and poke him with a sharp stick. I'll bet you get the same reaction.

Person number 5 did manage to come back before I completely lost what was left of my mind and hesitantly told me that he had located the person I needed to speak to...and it wasn't him. However, he did make a pitch to sell me further services before he let me go.

Seriously? Was he kidding me? Did he sleep through the part where I explained that I was NOT HAPPY?????? I mean, really, was I supposed to jump at the opportunity to have to call the helpline again for yet another service issue? I don't' know what this guy was on, but I think he was owed a refund.

I believe I was still in mid-cackle when he transferred me to the final "helper", who, by the way, had an attitude.

First question: Was I call AT&T or Bell South?

Huh?

Was I calling AT&T or Bell South?

Double huh? First, why would I be calling Bell South? Second, how and why would Bell South have transferred my call to AT&T? For giggles? Third, why would you even ask that question?

Ms. Attitude snottily informed me that they were the same company.

Okay, then if you are the same company, what difference does it make who I called?????

But she didn't want to let it go. She insisted on knowing what number I had dialed.

Well, the one written on my phone bill that said, "for customer service, call..." and , foolishly, I actually thought that was the number I should call. Silly me. I'll know better next time. Hey, if I ever need to call, say, Comcast again, maybe I should dial the Direct TV number. Why didn't I think of that sooner. Duh! That's what my problem was all along. I was actually dialing the number of the company I was dealing with!

Attitude? I could show her attitude.

Well, they would have to mail me the temporary pass code. They weren't allowed to give that out over the phone.

Okay.

Well, it would take seven to ten days to get it.

Okay.

And I would have to verify the address.

Look, if you don't want me to be able to pay my bill online, just come out and say so, but I was under the impression, after being forced to listen to your shameless plug for online registration, that you were actually encouraging people to do just that!

We parted ways slightly less than amicably, and I'm not holding out much hope of ever receiving that code.

That's okay though, because if I don't', I'll know next time to call Sprint or MCI and not the number on my bill.