A Little Bit of Knowledge

Two years ago, my dad wanted an iphone. Okay, so he was dragged kicking and screaming into the store after his phone died and they told him that they had stopped making that model at about the same time the mullet went out of style.

Now as far as him being technologically saavy enough to actually use the iphone?  Hmmm.  How can I put this delicately?  He was still balancing his checkbook with an abacus and using a dictionary from 1942 to look up the definition of "internet".

Needless to say, we were all a bit worried.  He surprised us though by actually becoming fairly proficient on the device.  And by that I mean he could make and receive calls and play Angry Birds.  Eventually, he could even get on the internet.  Sometimes.

Encouraged by his foray into the 21st century, we bought him a basic model ipad last year.

Suddenly, a whole new world opened up to him.  Did you know you can get books to read?  And there are weather apps and news app and you can watch the episodes of Desperate Housewives that you missed because you were watching the Food Network instead?

The biggest revelation though was that he could get email!  Of course, the man didn't actually have a valid email account, but hey, that was just a minor detail.

I believe my mom was more excited about the whole email thing because up until then, she had been the sole point of contact with the outside world.  I think the pressure of that awesome responsibility was starting to make her a bit cranky, as evidenced by small things she would occasionally let slip, like, for example, rapping my father over the head with rolled-up printouts while yelling, "Learn to print your own D**M emails!"  But maybe not.  I might have misread the clues.

Anyway, over the past year, a whole world opened up to my father.  He became king of the free apps, arbiter of all discussions, source of all knowledge and grand-slam champion of Angry Birds and Paper Toss.  He was Judge Judy, Einstein and Jeopardy champion Ken Jennings all rolled into one!

What time did my sister's flight land?  Free flight Tracker app.

What 52nd rerun of CSI (Miami, NY, LA, East Podunk, is there a difference?) was on next Tuesday opposite the encore presentation of Mama Mia?  Free TV Guide app, of course.

Who was the actress that played a hatcheck girl for three seconds of screen time in that 1934 movie starring those two actors that only ever made one movie  He was on it with the free IMDB app.

No topic was safe.  He was faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap to conclusions with a single swipe of his finger.  He was free app man!

Now, my mother was smacking us on the head for getting him hooked on a device that had essentially  become another appendage.  "He's a couch potato," she complained.  "I can't get him to go anywhere  now."  Yeah.  And before the ipad, he was just begging to go to the symphony with you or shoe shopping.

Naturally, being the caring, concerned, dutiful children we are, after listening to her for the past year, we decided there was only one thing to do in order to help her out...upgrade my dad to the new ipad and give his old one to her!

Now, we did have to pry it out of his hands long enough to transfer all of his free apps over to the new one.  And it was  touch and go for most of the operation whether he would survive with his sanity intact or end up in Bedlam.

"Are you sure all the apps will transfer?" he asked for the 97th time on his 4,363rd trip into the room.

"Are you certain  all my photos will be there?" he leaned over my shoulder for the 8 millionth time.

"Will I still have all my books?" he questioned, as he wore a trench in the floor pacing back and forth.

"Yes, yes, and yes.  Geez, were you this much of a wreck with mom when I was being born?"

"Huh?  What?" His fingers curled and uncurled subconsciously with the effort it took not to rip his beloved ipad from me and carry it off to the safety of his room.  "Um.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Sure.  You're more important to me than an ipad,"  he mumbled, never taking his eyes off the screen."

Riiiight.

Finally though, the transfer was complete, and the man who, just a short time earlier hadn't known that safari wasn't just a trip in Africa was now teaching my mother how to navigate "app world".

"Sometimes she messes things up on it," he confided in me, "but don't worry.  I get her all straightened out because I know all about how the ipad works."

And my mother?  Oh yeah.  She's also a couch potato. Hehehe.