This Woman Walks Into a Doctor's Office...

I firmly believe that the plans for the earliest mammogram machine were drawn up by the Marquis de Sade.  Maybe with a little help from Jack the Ripper.  Clearly, it was a man who hated women.  A lot. 

So after suffering the indignity of my yearly mammogram where I had to keep reminding the technician that yes, my boobs were attached and would probably remain so no matter how hard she pulled, my doctor informed me that there were two "suspicious" areas and that I would need a biopsy.  Oh goody.  More fun.

Medical trivia fact #1:  For an MRI which involves no physical contact whatsoever, they offer you an amount of Valium that would make even Alec Baldwin tweet like he was head writer on Sesame Street.  For a biopsy which involves sticking a needle the size of the actual Space Needle in Seattle into you with less Novocain than the dentist gives for a cleaning, they offer you...a back rub.  Really?????

"Now, just lie face down and Nurse Ratched will give you a lovely back massage while Dr. Lecter here performs the practically painless procedure which involves jabbing you with one giant needle so that you won't feel the other giant needle."

Medical trivia fact #2:  A massage is NOT a suitable substitute for drugs!  Where did these people go to med school, Feel Better U?  Hello!!!!!!  Four foot long needles piercing my skin actually HURT, and telling me they don't doesn't make it true.  Hey doc.  How about I jab you with a broadsword after giving you an gummy bear for the pain and then we'll compare notes.  Also, you might want to make sure the patient is actually numb before you perform the biopsy!!!!!  Just a thought.

 Adding insult to (serious) injury, the massage basically consisted of Nurse Ratched poking at my back with two fingers like she was playing Whack a Mole on her ipad.  I'm guessing she flunked that class in school.  Badly.  Very badly.  In fact, not only did it not take my mind off the fact that the doctor was performing a procedure that I'm pretty sure was banned by the Geneva Convention, it actually made me consider begging to have 150 back to back mammograms instead.

Medical trivia fact #3:  Telling a patient that "here comes the needle; you'll feel a little pinch, sort of like getting bitten by a mosquito" and then jabbing them with a saber is just plain LYING!  It does not feel like a mosquito unless perhaps you live in Jurassic Park and the mosquito is the size of a T-Rex with a stinger the size of the Empire State Building.

I nonchalantly mentioned this to the doctor (okay, there may have been some four-letter words used and perhaps I did imply that his mother was a female dog), who, instead of offering me sympathy and a Chocolatini (Where is Marcus Welby or a really good bartender when you need one?) proceeded to tell me about the time he was bike riding and a bee went up his shorts and stung him.  I'm guessing I'm the first person he told that story to who asked for the bee's address so I could send it a thank you card. 

The worst part of it all though, was after it was over, I had to go into the next room for a "gentle" mammogram.  Long live the Marquis.