Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Key to Younger-looking Skin...Stay out of the Drugstore

My sister recently celebrated her fortieth birthday, and I had to share the ugly truth with her. Forty is not the new thirty.

At thirty, I could use one soap for both my body and my face. I didn't shed skin like a snake, and collagen was just a word, not a way of life.

Getting older turns a simple trip to the drugstore for something as seemingly innocuous as soap and moisturizer into a fact-finding mission that would put a congressional junket to shame.

Although my mother faithfully promised me when I was eleven and breaking out that my skin would clear up by the time I was eighteen, she was wrong. And so I stand in the "soap" aisle, pull out my reading glasses, and try to find something oil-free. But wait. I also have wrinkles and lines. So I need something moisturizing. But wait. If I moisturize too much, I'll break out.

And how do I know if I have wrinkles or deep wrinkles? The actress in the picture doesn't look like she has any wrinkles, so which product is she using, and was the photo taken before or after she had the plastic surgery?

And what's the difference between wrinkles and lines? Do I need three different soaps: one for acne, a second for wrinkles and yet a third for lines?

And what about an exfoliant? That seems to be a necessity. According to the bottles, if I simply exfoliate, I will uncover younger-looking skin. So maybe I should buy a tube of that. But how many layers will I have to scrub away before I don't need the wrinkle formula anymore? And will I actually have any skin left?

No matter how much the face wash does for me though, I'm not out of the woods yet. I still need to further moisturize, protect, repair, replenish and defend. Washington had to do less prep work to cross the Delaware.

First, I need to fill in the craters and crevices I wasn't able to sand-blast away with the soap by using products that tout collagen, spackle, latex or silly-putty. I have to bo-toxify my forehead, eyes and nose and mouth areas.

There are nighttime formulas and daytime formulas, which are not interchangeable. Apparently, "regenerating" can only be done under cover of darkness. The way the ingredients work is so top secret that if we were to wear them during the day and see the progress being made, it would be the end of civilization as we know it.

There are creams for the eyes, balms for the lips, and oils, gels and lotions for the face. Eyes need to be de-puffed, lips puffed, cheeks plumped, jowls firmed, eyebrows lifted and pores minimized. And all that is before you discover that you really need products that are SPF 145 as well.

Once you have dotted, blended, smoothed, soothed and coated your face to give the temporary illusion of youth (yeah, like I'm going to get carded the next time I go to a bar because my moisturizer has four ingredients ending in "-plex") it's time to move on to the body soaps.

Here too, there is a dizzying array of issues that need to be addressed. Moisturizing or "intensive" moisturizing? If I do the intensive now, what will be left for me when I'm fifty, or sixty? Where do you go from there? Jiffy Lube?

I can also exfoliate here too, but none of these are as "gentle" as the face scrubs. There are heavy duty, sand-blasting formulas with shards of razor-sharp pellets of...salt?...gravel?...steel?

Many products also boast a "firming" formula, which is good, but once again, I have serious doubts my skin will look like the model's without at least ten strategically placed rubber bands and twelve or so paperclips.

And then there are the different scents. Do I want to smell like a pear, a peach, or a mango? How about a strawberry rhubarb apple pie, or a blueberry plum cobbler? Am I supposed to eat it or wear it? That might be taking the whole inner beauty thing a bit far.

Maybe I want to smell like an orchid though or a rose. Lavender is good and it will relax me, so I can fall asleep faster. But wait. Do I want to fall asleep in the shower? Didn't I just get up? And if I choose hibiscus shower gel, will it clash with my tuti-frutti scented moisturizer? Because no matter how much "moisturizer" is in the soap, I still need to apply a thick coating of moisturizer if I don't want my skin to look like it belongs on an alligator.

Once again, I can firm, moisturize and exfoliate as well as perfume myself silly. But this product also has to be non-greasy, non-comedogenic, hypo-allergenic, fast-absorbing, clinically proven, long-lasting, organic, more filling, better tasting, low-fat, low carb, and high in fiber. Oh, and it has to give me a natural glow in three to five days. And get rid of cellulite. And promote world peace. Is that too much to ask?

By the time I have scrutinized each and every label, brow furrowed in concentration, lips pursed in thought, I have created a whole new set of lines, wrinkles and bags to be dealt with. Maybe the secret is that when you turn forty, you should just head to the nearest baking aisle and a large can of Crisco.