Travel With Dad

My father was in the navy and saw the world. Therefore, he doesn't need to ever leave home again. Pyramids still there? Seen 'em. Eiffel Tower? Check. Vesuvius still puffing away? Been there, done that.
Of course, this attitude drives my mother crazy. They have a new Starbucks in Berlin? Let's go. Target opened in Melbourne? Need to check it out. A new painting was hung in the Louvre? She's there.
And so, for the last several years, my mom has hopped on various planes, trains and automobiles and covered five out of the seven continents with various family and friends while my dad has contentedly sat home experiencing it all through the magic of TV and the Travel Channel.
Finally, two years ago, we figured out a way to get my dad to actually experience the joy of modern day travel first hand.......an anniversary gift. There was no way he could refuse if it was a gift, right? Wrong. He tried everything from claiming he couldn't take off from work (the man has not had a vacation since the Nixon administration) to the house not being there when he got back(okay, so this one almost really happened...a small brush fire in nearby woods that came a bit close....coincidence or ???? hmmmmm. No,no,no).
When his excuses fell on deaf ears, he changed tactics. He whined. The seats are too small and there is not enough leg room for a man of his height. The flights are too long and there is nothing to eat on them. The movies are lousy(he was really reaching with that one, but he was desperate by then). And then came the coup de gras. The airline would lose his luggage( of course they would...this is, after all, modern day travel).
A full month of phone calls detailing the luggage plight followed. One big bag, or two smaller ones? Definitely a carry-on, but how big could it be? His was twenty-two inches, but the airline only allowed a twenty inch bag. Did that mean they would take it away from him? If so, what was the point of taking a carry-on? How would he replace his posessions when his bags were sucked into the black hole of luggage hell? After all, our destination was the ends of the earth, a place where no civilized man had ever gone before...Vegas!
Fortunately, for all concerned (meaning me, my husband and my mother), the luggage made it to our destination. He got on with his grossly oversized carry-0n and those extra two inches of baggage didn't cause the plane to plummet to the earth over a corn field in Kansas. Although after the whole house-not-standing incident.... Hmmm. No, no,no.
Flushed with the success of our first venture, we struck out again last year for San Diego. After the requisite month of anguish and angst over luggage, flight schedules, seating, etc., we all enjoyed a few days of R&R in beautiful southern California. And then disaster struck. A cancelled flight, missed connection, a night in a Chicago airport hotel where the AC was not working and the windows didn't open. Eeekkkk!
Was this the end of family travel? Would my mother have to throw herself on the mercy of friends and family whenever she wanted to leave home? Was the very thread of civilization coming unraveled?
Boldly, we made plans again for this year. It is still two weeks out, but the calls have begun. We have a direct flight, so no missed connections. We have business class tickets (oddly enough, they were cheaper than coach...I think this is the cosmos way of saying we will be blown out by a freak hurricane when we arrive at out destination). So what is left to worry about?
Bedbugs. Apparently, there has been an outbreak of bedbugs at hotels here on the east coast, and due to the early morning departure time, my parents and sister(we finally suckered her into coming along) will have to spend the night at an airport hotel.
Did you know that you can't see the little devils and they will only come out at night, after you are asleep and then it's "party time"!!!! They belly up to the smorgasboard and feast until dawn, and you don't even know you've been the main course until it's too late.
So, he's thinking of spraying the sheets with Deet, except that if he puts it in his luggage it will get lost, or his carry-on will explode midway through the flight, or..........stay tuned for next year!