iTouch... Not Intended For Mature Audiences

Last week, we bought my mom an itouch to replace her dying first generation ipod. It was a tough sell.

"Look, you can get on the Internet." "Why? I have a laptop." "You can use it as an alarm clock." "I have an alarm clock--your father." "You can keep your Christmas card list in it." Yawn. Time to bring out the big guns: "You can download pictures of your grandchild." Bingo! We have a winner.

In retrospect, I should have kept my mouth shut.

Clearly more excited about it than she was, I charged it as soon as we got home only to find after two hours that it was fully charged, but not working. Used to the regular ipods and nanos, I was a bit perplexed, but still fairly optimistic.

I tried syncing it with my computer and itunes library, but it was still not giving me anything other than the full battery screen and a zzt zzt noise. (Hmm. I can see the headlines: Woman electrocuted by itouch. Film at 11.)

Not nearly as optimistic, I tried the website. No help there (seriously, they really should have an over forty section there--a basic "dummy" handbook with large print. Oh, and a warning label on the box in big red letters: Do Not Attempt to Use Without the Help of a Teenager).

Definitely pessimistic now, I tried the helpline. An hour later, beyond pessimism and progressing quickly into totally ticked off, I was back in the store where the guy was as perplexed as I was (he was only the manager though and clearly over forty, not a "tech guy". Good to know: Avoid asking the store manager for help.), but he got the home screen simply by connecting the thing to one of their mac's.

The tech guy(who looked to be about twelve), came over and explained that I probably needed to upgrade a certain program on my computer and sent me a link (BTW, he was also perplexed, but unconcerned--probably because it didn't happen to his itouch-- by the lack of the home screen when it was fully charged.)

Returning home, I began downloading stuff that they estimated would take twenty minutes. What they neglected to say was that that was in dog years. Six hours, fourteen dozen times of Tim saying,"Something must be wrong. This download should only take a few minutes.", and many gray hairs later, the programs necessary to install before installing the necessary program finally finished downloading.

Pathetically, Tim and I greeted each finished section with cheers and did the final five countdown with more gusto than when Dick Clark ushered in 2000 (we would have played Prince's Party Like it's 1999 , but, ironically, we still couldn't download my library.)

Next morning, bright and early, I began the download process again. Three hours later...I was wishing it was five o'clock, so I could start drinking! Finally, finally, the new upgrades were complete. With weary anticipation, I plugged in the itouch and...it still wouldn't sync because the computer was reading it as a camera!!!!!!

After I managed to unclench my fist from around the itouch and back away from the window I was seriously thinking of hurtling it through, I once again called the helpline. Oddly, the girl on the other end seemed to see nothing unusual about a nine hour download time, and was sure she could solve the problem. Oh, and she was cheerful as well as optimistic. I hated her from "hello".

After leading me through a series of right and left clicks, the problem was solved (although I did have a brief moment of satisfaction when I clicked on one particular thing, told her what the screen said and, after a brief pause, she said, "Oh. It's not supposed to say that." Another pause. "Maybe I can fix it. I think." Not so optimistic now, are we? he he).

Eventually, it was up and running. Since they do not include an instruction booklet (it is online, of course and only takes thirty-six hours to download:) ) I decided to learn by trial and error. Excited by each new function I discovered during the next week, I showed it off to my fourteen year old nephew, who, after having it in his hands for less then three seconds, was expertly whizzing through the home screen, searching for album covers and connecting to the Internet.

Like I said. Clearly, this device needs a rating: for kids only.