How Can I (Not) Help You?

Not only did Tim's trip get off to a comical start, but a rocky one as well.

About an hour after he had gotten on the train, I realized that he had forgotten to pack his medicine. A few calls later, we found out that if we called our doctor with the number of a pharmacy, she could order a temporary prescription for him.

Getting online, I quickly found a list of pharmacies that were open twenty-four hours, but since I am unfamiliar with the area (he was actually staying in Jersey), I couldn't tell which ones were close to his hotel.

Quickest way: Call the hotel and ask them. Not.

First call: -Hi. I'm looking for someone there who can help me find a drug store near the hotel.
-Hold Please.
John Denver song. Julio Iglesies song. I hung up before Willie Nelson warbled out a tune.

Second call: -Hi. I need to speak to the concierge.
-Oh, you're the one who needs a drug store, right?
-Uh, Yeah. (Did I call the hotel or the psychic hotline?)
-We don't have a concierge at the moment. Hold on and I'll connect you to someone though.

Oh good. Someone. Someone helpful, or someone who will aggravate me? She went with option number two, but only after subjecting me to a lovely little ditty by KC and the Sunshine Band.

-Hello, you need a drug store near the hotel?
-Yes. One that has a twenty-four hour pharmacy.
-We have an Eckerd down the street.
-I know, but it doesn't have a 24-hour pharmacy. I pulled up a list online, but I'm not sure which ones are close to the hotel.
-Eckerd is closest. You'd need a ride to get anywhere else. I can pull up a list online though.
-(in my mind) Grrr. (out loud) Actually, we are coming from the train station, so I already have a car. And a list. I just need--
-We also have a shuttle bus that will take you to Eckerd.
-(in my mind) Okay, whatever Eckerd is paying you, I'll double it if you don't say Eckerd again. (out loud) Look, I'm going to read off the addresses of several CVS pharmacies, and you tell me which is closest to the hotel, okay?
-There aren't any CVS in the neighborhood, but...(if he said the E-word again, I was googling Tony Soprano and asking for a favor)...I can give you directions or get a cab for you.
--(in my mind) I don't want a cab, or a shuttle, or directions. I just want a yes or no as I read you the list. Think you can do that? (out loud--well, actually, that was out loud.)

Quickly, I started running down the list.

#1: he knew the road, but not exactly where on the road it was. Maybe ten minutes away. He could...Before he could repeat a previous suggestion which would get him killed, I moved on.

#2: closer to the train station than the hotel. Next?

-Wait. This one is close to the station? Do we pass it on the way?
-Yes. But we can take you there from the hotel, or you might want to go the the first one on the list because it is only ten minutes away.
-(out loud. And this was nowhere near a bad as what I was really thinking) Sure, we'll pass the one on the way from the station, come to the hotel, get rid of our car, and then you can get us a cab and give us directions to the other one. Thanks. That would be a huge help.
-Well, uh, (perhaps he sensed the sarcasm? Finally?) Don't you want to check in first, then go to the drug store?

For his safety, and to preserve what little was left of my sanity, I hung up and called the doctor.