The Joys of Air Travel

Once again, this week I was on a plane. And once again, it was an ... experience.

First, we were delayed taking off because our flight crew was coming from another plane that was late landing.

I thought, "Good opportunity to use the restroom." So did everyone else, which is why there was a stampede for the one, tiny, little room that resulted in a line longer than the Great Wall and slower than a herd of turtles walking through quicksand. Oh well, it was just a thought.

Upon boarding, we were all told, in no uncertain terms, to take our seats immediately, so that we could leave ASAP (okay, we were not the ones who were late getting here!). Doing so, we discovered our seats were directly in back of a family with a very, very unhappy child. This kid was hitting notes Whitney Houston could only dream about. Even the flight attendants were shushing him.

As we sat there at the gate waiting for "instructions for the flight" (Instructions?!? The pilot needed instructions ? He didn't know how to fly the plane?), one of the flight attendants took pity on us and offered us two seats up front in the third row.

Before he had even finished explaining where the seats were, we were bolting up the aisle like a couple of racehorses at the Kentucky Derby.

Our new seats were much, much better. Here, the screaming child was one row up and across the aisle. Now we only needed to put our hands over our ears instead of trying to stuff them into them. Well, at least it was near the bathroom, and perhaps I actually had a shot of getting in there this time.

No sooner had we settled in though, than the "fasten seatbelt" sign came on and the crew warned everyone to remain seated. We hadn't actually moved away from the gate yet, but apparently they wanted to be prepared to go as soon as the pilot figured out how to put the plane in reverse.

One poor passenger committed the crime of standing up to get his jacket and was chastised over the PA system before being pounced on by two flight attendants. I decided to remain seated rather than risk public humiliation and having to write a one thousand word essay on why it is important to follow directions.

Finally, Doogie Howser got us airborne. Before I could make my way to the bathroom though, a guy from somewhere behind us came running by and locked himself in there for a nice long stay. Uh oh. Not good.

And it got worse. He had to page the flight attendant for help. When he eventually stumbled out, the bathroom was declared "off limits" for the duration of the flight while those of us up front were enveloped in a cloud of vanilla scented spray deodorizer.

So let's see. So far we had been delayed, had our eardrums pierced, been denied bathroom facilities, and now we were experiencing crop dusting from the bug's point of view.

Thankfully, it was a fairly short flight, and we were able to pamper ourselves in the arrival terminal with luxuries like multiple bathrooms, clean air and a decibel level below four thousand.

Yes, I just love to fly.