At our hotel in Puerto Rico, there were two big attractions: the ten huge iguanas that live on the grounds and the three hundred retired NFL players who were there for a convention.
Actually, the iguanas were the bigger attraction.
Actually, the iguanas scaring the crap out of the NFL players was the biggest attraction. You can't believe how fast a three hundred plus pound guy can move when startled by a twenty pound, five foot long reptile.
Wednesday afternoon, the pool was jammed, and pretty much every chair was taken. Until the first iguana showed up.
Tim and I spotted him sitting on top of one of the statues poolside. At first, he just sort of blended in and most people didn't realize he was even there.
Then, apparently he got hot and needed to take a quick dip in the pool to cool off. That is when people noticed him. He went in one side and everyone else at that end of the pool went out the other. It was kind of like a scene from Jaws: water churning, legs flying, arms flailing, rafts overturning. All that was missing was the theme music and the harpoon.
By the time he got out and was nonchalantly sitting in a planter happily munching on the flowers, the panic had subsided, testosterone once again reigned supreme and the post-game commentary had begun.
"Did you see the size of that thing?!" "I didn't know they got that big." "They don't bother me." (yeah, right, and that is why you jumped up on your chair) "They're plant-eaters, right?" (until they decide you look tasty) "Man, he was huge!" (yes, I believe we covered that) "He can't hurt you, can he?"
On Thursday, the second guy (even bigger) made an appearance. As a group of us stood on the sidewalk watching him watching us, a woman came barrelling through totally oblivious to the fact that these big, hulking guys were not huddling behind a garbage can to discuss the next play. I don't think I've ever seen anyone jump that high without a trampoline.
The best reaction we ever saw though was the guy in the pool. As his wife reclined on a raft in the near empty pool, he gazed lovingly into her eyes and murmured endearments as he gently propelled her around. Life was beautiful and true love was in the air...
Until the iguana swan between his legs from behind and bobbed up on the opposite side of the raft. Then it was every man for himself. He abandoned that raft like it was the Titanic and he had just gotten the last seat on the lifeboat. Had he been on land, I'm pretty sure he would have set a new record for rushing.
I'm also pretty sure he ended up in divorce court. All because of a cute little iguana who just wanted to frolic in the water.
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