You know you're in trouble when you visit a country that has a KFC on every corner which the locals consider "five star dining at one star prices", and it is the go-to-place for the all important first date.
Our first night in Xi'an (she-an), Beth and I ate at House O'Dumplings (a.k.a. Defachang Restaurant) which boasted 180 different kinds of dumplings shaped like everything from porky pig to Buddha.
The meal started innocently enough with four small appetizer dishes of tofu, peanuts, beans and corn. Then they brought four steamer trays of dumplings...then four more trays...and four more after that. Would the madness never end?!
There were walnut dumplings (China is not the place you want to be if you have a nut allergy), fried rice dumplings, spinach dumplings, chicken, beef and pork dumplings (remind anyone else of Forest Gump?) and some with fillings we could only guess at, but which we suspected might contain the turtle that had been swimming in the tank by the reception desk. Of course they swore that anything unidentifiable was chicken, but that turtle had looked scared. Real scared. Like he knew something we didn't.
The steamed dumplings courses were followed by, surprise...dumpling soup! It was only when the watermelon came (the Chinese idea of dessert...have they never heard of Entemen's or Pepperidge Farm?) that we knew were were finally saved from the relentless parade of dumplings. (FYI, you do not want to go to bed too soon after eating your body weight in dumplings. It is not pretty)
Our first meal in Beijing, at a place called the Green T, proved just as interesting, but for different reasons. Walking through floor to ceiling white curtains which billowed constantly despite the fact that there was no breeze, we found ourselves transported to a black and white version of Hogworts where candles hung in midair over long tables whose chairs had backs reaching halfway to the twenty foot ceiling and purple boa feather pillows. Flute music was provided by a young woman perched atop of what looked like an ice sculpture set on top of the bar. (for someone who turns on their heated car seat in July, my bottom grew numb just looking at her!)
Even the bathrooms provided entertainment for us with clear glass walls that magically clouded up as you entered("okay, you stand our here and yell when you can't see me any more." --Tim can kiss that ambassadorship good-bye!) and stalls completely lined with mirrors--inside. ( I definitely could have done with a little less entertainment there.)
As for the food, we all steered clear of anything that sounded suspicious including the green chicken and something that still had feet and various innards. We found that nothing was completely safe, however, when the woman sitting next to me ordered a vegetarian dish only to have it served with a wineglass containing a live goldfish. We weren't sure if he was a garnish or for downing like a chaser, but we named him Larry and debated flushing him to freedom. (He actually looked even more scared than the turtle, and I think I saw him mouthing,"Help me!", at one point during dinner)
After several more days of meals involving many courses of things that may have previously barked or meowed (and not a fortune cookie or piece of chocolate in sight), we celebrated our last night in China with a trip to (another) funky restaurant that looked like it had been designed by the Picasso, Poe and Addams Family firm. (This time, the floor to ceiling bathroom mirrors were tinged green. And I thought the clear glass was bad?).
Despite things like Shark lip soup (who knew Jaws had lips?) and oysters the size of my head, (can you say mutant, boys and girls?) the meal was good. All eighteen courses (How do these people not weigh 1000 lbs.?) Even the watermelon dessert.
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