For years, I had a cell phone. A regular, no frills, basic cell phone. Life was simpler then. You dialed, pushed send and voila!, your party was on the other end.
Then, Tim decided that I needed to upgrade. It wasn't enough that he could call me whenever he wanted; he desperately needed to send me e-mails as well. (These were the days when he personally carried two phones and one blackberry. When one of them rang, it was like watching outtakes from "So You Think You Can Dance" as he groped, slapped, patted and dug into every pocket and belt case on his person before finding the right one.)
And so, I got my blackberry. And within a few months, I had issues. And a few months later, it died.
So I had it replaced (oh, yeah, and lost all my info as a result--minor detail).
When I took it in, they explained that my "plan" was not up for renewal, so I couldn't get an "upgrade". Well, that was fine by me, since I didn't use most of the features on the darn thing anyway. Seriously, do I really need three email inboxes? And what the heck is the difference between "tasks" and "memo pad"? They are both blank pages where you make lists. Would it be the end of civilization as we know it if I titled one of the lists under "memo pad" "tasks"?
And why do I need a map of the world which is so small I would need the Hubble Telescope to read it, and as far as I can tell, they don't name all the countries anyway, so what good is it? But I digress...
Back to the "plan". They were all concerned about the fact that I couldn't get an "upgrade" until my "plan" was up, but they could give me a new blackberry...for $50.
Okay. Once again, fine by me. I'll take the new blackberry. Do I get to choose one from the display?
Well, no, because I have a "plan", "new" doesn't really mean "new", it just means new to me. Just like my old blackberry will be "new" to somebody else who has a "plan" after they slap a fresh coat of paint on it and roll back the odometer.
Since I apparently didn't have a choice without spending $300, I agreed to stay with the "plan" and just get a "new" blackberry...which died this past weekend.
Once again, I had to go back to the store to see if I was still operating under the "plan" or not.
Now, since this is a place where they are selling technology, they have to make it as technologically challenging a place as possible to the customer. First, you have to sign in on a computer screen giving your name, phone number, zip code (why? Would they actually say, "Oh, sorry. You're 20002 and we only cover people who live in 20001?"), and other assorted info such as hat size and date of last dental exam.
Then, you wait for your name to be displayed on a giant screen where you join one of three queues (didn't we win the war against the British so we wouldn't have to use words like this anymore?) depending on what you needed. When your name moves to the top, you get called over to the corresponding desk.
After a twenty minute wait, Iwas called to the tech support desk by a guy who divided his time between checking his own voicemails and reiterating that I was still bound by my "plan" to get a "new" blackberry and not an "upgrade" if my blackberry was indeed broken (did he think I was making it up? that I got my jollies driving miles out of my way to a store to stand in line just for fun?).
Uh uh. Fool me once...
I refused to be bound by the "plan" anymore. I wanted a new blackberry. New meaning brand spanking, direct from China, out-of-the-box new.
Well, okay, but I would need to sign up for a different queue...sales.
Twenty minutes later, I was again confronted by a young man who kept harping on and on about my "plan" which apparently had been chiseled into concrete and signed with blood. As far as I could tell, the D-day plans for the invasion of Normandy were, by comparison, only a group of fairly loose "suggestions".
When was this plan up, I asked. February 3, so if I could just wait a few weeks...
Two weeks without a phone? Sure. Just give me yours to use in the meantime. No? Then how about we get me a "new", "upgraded" phone now!
Obviously wishing to preserve his health and well-being, the guy backed down. Keeping one eye warily on me, he punched a few buttons on his computer and offered me the only upgraded phone available since I needed it to work globally.
And it was...drum roll please...the exact same make and model as the one I had and it would cost me...another drum roll...$109 with a $50 rebate!
Excuse me? $9? $9?! All this fuss and bother about an "upgrade" amounted to $9 and some packing materials? Are you kidding me?
Wisely, he completed the sale without saying the words "upgrade", "new" or "plan" again.
And so I left with my new, upgraded $9 phone. As I ran a few errands, I luxuriated in being able to do e-mails and talk on the phone again.
Until, that is, I discovered that one of the keys is not working properly and was getting worse as I went along...and I had just signed up for another "plan".
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