Where is Santa when you need him?
Instead of sitting his furry red and white self down on an oversized armchair in the center of the mall, he could be making himself useful by helping harried shoppers with their Christmas lists. Like, oh, say for example, me.
This year, we all decided to chip in and get my sister a new set of pots and pans (do we know how to celebrate or what? Paaartay!), and since everyone was coming to our house, I volunteered to buy it and wrap it (Idiot! Idiot! Idiot! That's what younger siblings are for!)
And so, on a random Tuesday in December, I found myself at Macy's scoping out the sales without have put the necessary forethought into the whole process.
"Big sale today. 25% off," the saleswoman displayed the cookware sets as though she was a Kringle with a bagful of toys.
"Just looking," I resisted the lure of the shiny silver pots and pans with their beautiful, glossy black non-stick cooking surfaces.
"I'm not supposed to do this," she whispered, leaning in and pulling a handful of coupons out of her pocket while looking over her shoulder for the Burgermeister, "but I can give you an additional 20% off."
That was a good deal, but remembering that I was parked at the other end of the mall, one floor down, and this was not a small gift, I played coy.
"I'll also give you a bonus pot and 7-piece set of utensils. Free," she coaxed.
Who was I kidding? She had me at 'sale'. Like a kid in Sombertown who was just offered the toy of her dreams, I plucked the coupon from her fingers and charged toward the register whipping out my credit card before the Winter Warlock could wave his magic wand and make the sale go away.
Now, while the guy in the red suit has eight big, strong reindeer pulling his rather sizable self in a sleigh, I didn't even have a misfit toy to help me schlepp my cookware to the car. Undaunted, because, after all, this was the season of miracles, I piled bags and boxes into my arms until I resembled Max, the Grinch's dog after their midnight trip to Whoville, and started off.
Stopping every five minutes to rearrange bags and boxes as though there was a good way to carry eighty-six items through a crowded mall, I made my snail-like progress toward where my car was parked. Where was Hermey, the elf, when you needed him?
I suppose it was because I was moving so slowly and therefore made an easy target, that the Abominable Kiosk People attacked.
"Would you like a free sample of our product?" one guy called out to me cheerily, obviously mistaking my Scrooge-like scowl as a positive sign of interest in the snake-oil he was hustling.
"Seriously? Do you not see the eight tons of crap I am carrying? Where would you suggest I put it? Oh. Wait. I have the perfect place. Just let me wiggle my middle finger free and I'll show you."
He scuttled out of my way faster than Bob Cratchet after asking for a raise.
"Can I ask you a question?" another guy planted himself in my path, obviously believing I had goodwill toward my fellow man.
"You just did," I bared my teeth at him in Grinchy fashion, and tried to sidestep.
"No. Really. I just want to know....." the rest of his infomercial pitch died on his lips as I narrowed my eyes and channelled Ebenezer once more.
"Seriously? Do you really expect me to stop, put down all eighty kajillion Christmas gifts that I have strapped, tied and piled onto every part of myself and talk to you about...what is it you're selling? add more that I can't carry and try to make it to the car without killing myself or someone else? Really?"
His self-preservation instinct finally kicked in and he backed away as though he had just seen the open grave from the ghost of Christmas future.
Fortunately for them, the next two kioskers took one look at my less than holly jolly face and decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and melted away like Frosty on a hot July day.
Finally though, I made it to the car with the gifts, my back and most of my sanity intact. I have, however, decided that next year, should I be stupid enough to go in on a group gift again, I am going to have Rudolph with his nose so bright run interference for me.
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