I'll Take Door Number Three, Please

I never thought Angelina Jolie and I would have something in common.  Well, if I did, I would have hoped it would be that we both dated Brad Pitt, not that we had both had a double mastectomy.  And this is why I don't play the lottery.

But, what's done is done, and so I decided to make watermelons out of lemons. 

"How big do you want to go?" the plastic surgeon asked at our first pre-surgery meeting, taking out her magnifying glass and looking for my chest.

"How about you  start pumping me up and stop right before I tip over," I suggested.  "And if you're looking for someplace to take it from, can we start with my backside and thighs?"

Giving a long-suffering sigh, she then proceeded to list my actual options.

Option 1:  We rip open both your stomach and chest, pull muscles, fat and blood vessels  up through your ribcage and make a new chest out of bits and pieces.  It only takes an entire day to do this, about sixteen years to recover, oh, and the best of all is that it doesn't make your stomach look any smaller, but your chest will be exactly the same size it is now, which is non-existent.

I'm not sure who looked greener, me or Tim.

"Uh, that all sounds really neato peachy keen, but is there an option 2?" I mumbled weakly as the blood all rushed from my head.

Option 2:  We rip open your chest and back, pull blood vessels, muscle and fat through your body to the front and make you itty-bitty tiny little bumps that are even smaller than what you have now.  More good news: Really long surgery, really long recovery time and even more scars! 

"Okay, so before I totally lose consciousness, why do people sign up for these options?" I gasped, wondering what the human equivalent of PETA was and how I could contact them and turn this woman in as number one on their hit list.

"Well, there is no foreign material in your body," she patiently explained.  "It's all natural."

Natural???  I'm sorry, I think I blacked out and missed the part that was natural.  Was it having my belly button on my chest or turning my back into my front that was natural? 

"And is there another option?" I croaked weakly, hoping that there was and that it didn't involve knees, toes or elbows protruding from the top of my shirt.

Fortunately, there was.

Option 3:  Implants which can be prepared for during the initial surgery, but it will take several weeks or months before the final implants will be put in and it will mean a second, outpatient operation.

She had me at implants.