There are very few technology-related things in life that I can do well, but using the self-checkout at the grocery store is one of them. I can scan, bag, pay and be out the door in about five seconds. Unless the machine turns against me.
The other day I was scanning my order when all of a sudden, it (let's call her Maleficent, shall we?) decided she didn't like my brand of bread and refused to accept it.
"Please remove item from bag and scan again," she intoned in her smug little voice.
So I did.
"Item not found," she informed me loftily, and instead of resetting the screen, the miserable witch put up the "need assistance" screen.
What I needed was for Maleficent to actually do her job, not tell me I needed assistance.
Naturally, the woman in charge of "assisting" me was busy giving a tutorial to someone who had no business being in the self-checkout if she couldn't figure out the "self" part after the first thirty-six times she was shown how to scan and bag. Although I'm sure everyone was thinking pretty much the same about me by the time I was done.
Finally, I caught her eye and she punched some buttons and brought daughter of Hal back in line.
The next item was fine. The one after that, an issue.
Miss Assistance again pushed some more buttons, but clearly at this point she began to think that I was as clueless as a Wheel Of Fortune contestant who had bought all five vowels, guessed R, D and K and still couldn't solve an "animal names" puzzle that said: aard_ark.
Dreading the next scan, I searched my basket for something Maleficent couldn't get me on. Aha. Bananas. I plopped them on the scale and quickly punched in the code.
"Item not found. Please get assistance," she goaded me.
I gave an exasperated WTH look at little Miss Helper, who was not appreciating the self-control it was taking for me to not flip off both her and her evil machine cohort.
"What do you have there, bananas?" she asked, craning her neck to see the item I was dangling THREE FEET FROM HER FACE!
No. These are fillet mignon masquerading as bananas, and if you're impressed by this, just wait till you see how I've disguised the zucchini.
I tried to scan some tomatoes next, but before I could even get them on the scanner, Ms. Fix-it started pushing buttons like she was a pre-teen girl trying to win Justin Bieber tickets on a radio call-in contest.
"Got it," she sang out in her shrill little holier-than-thou voice.
I glared back at her and grabbed the next item, shielding it with my body so I could scan it before her sharp little talons could peck away at any more keys.
I gave a quick swipe, but Maleficent came to her minion's defense and the next thing I knew, she was speaking to me in Spanish!
I don't know exactly what she was saying, but I got the impression it wasn't good. She sounded kind of angry that I had challenged her authority and seemed to be cussing me out, or threatening to lock me in a tower, guarded by a fire-breathing dragon.
I backed away and shot Helpful Hannah a look that should have had her cringing and fleeing in terror.
Apparently, she didn't have the good sense that God gave a turnip because she headed towards me instead of away from me, this time stabbing the buttons on my screen instead of hers.
"Uh, I think this will work," she had at least enough brains to sound semi-concerned.
I bit my tongue against the multitude of rejoinders which were crowding my brain and backing up in my throat.
"There." With a final flourish, she re-swiped the last item and...the evil seed responded in English. Really loud English. Extremely loud English. Dogs three miles away began howling and covering their ears.
"That's kind of loud," she looked at me, aghast.
Ya think? I would have actually said this if I thought she could hear me over the roar of the machine.
Sadly for everyone in the store...and the shopping center...we had reached the limits of the assistance she was able to give, but it didn't really matter. The evil queen had won. She magnanimously let me check out the last few items and leave with the minimum aggravation while her servant scuttled back to her station to lie in wait for the next hapless victim.
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