He Said, She Said

Last week, we had our generator installed.  This week, we had our generator installed.  The three day process had to be split up between two weeks, because why should they limit the pain to only one week when they could screw up two?

So anyway, last week went something like this...

Monday morning.

He said: Ma'am, if it's okay, we need to turn your power off for an hour, no  more than an hour and a half, so we can work on the electric box.

He meant:  SUCKER!  If you believe that, I have some swampland in Florida I'd like to sell you.  Oh, and I hope you want to sit in the dark all day, and eat whatever you can forage from your cabinet, because you are not going to see power any time soon.

I said:  Um, okay, but we'll have power by this afternoon, right?  Because our tree is being delivered and they need to plug in their saw.

I meant:  Do I have a choice?  Isn't that why I am sitting here all day instead of having an actual life?  Oh, and if you really are only an hour and a half, I'll run outside and look for those flying pigs.

He said:  Is it okay to park in your driveway?

He meant:  We've already parked four large trucks in your driveway and are going to leave them there all day.  By the way, the other three guys are going to leave, taking the keys with them, so that even when we're done in the house, you are still trapped like a prisoner under house arrest.  Don't even think of trying to leave.  Mwahahaha.

I said:  Um, okay.

I meant:  Um, okay.

I later thought (when I realized my predicament) Really??? In what alternate universe did this seem like a good idea?  Exactly how far is your head up your butt?  Grrr.

Monday afternoon (3 hours later) the tree guys arrive.  Still no power.

Tree guys said:  Uh, is there a switch you have to flip for this outlet to work?

They meant:  Uh, is there a switch you have to flip for this outlet to work?

I said:  Let me talk to the guys working on the generator and see if they can turn the power back on.

I meant:  They will turn the power back on, or they will be picking pieces of Christmas tree out of their...uh...teeth.  Yeah, teeth.

He said:  Oh, we can run a line for you to use.

He meant:  Yeah.  Across the yard from where they are and then sit back and watch them drag a ten foot tree back and forth.  Hehehe

Tree guys said:  Thanks

They meant:  For NOTHING.  Oh, and next year, the day you want the tree delivered, we're busy.

This week went something like this:

Monday morning, the doorbell rang at 9am.  There stood a guy in front of a huge truck with a forklift on the back.

He said:  I'm delivering this for today.  Can I park it in front, partly on your lawn?

He meant:  I am totally wasting your time right now because no matter what you say, I'm going to put it where I want and there is nothing you can do about it.  Nanny, nanny, na na.

I said:  No, you can't park it on my lawn even a little bit.  How about parking it over there, on the gravel only?

I meant:  Would you want a forklift parked on your lawn?  What do we look like here, the Beverly Hillbillies?  Yeah.  Sure.  Park it between the rusted-out pick-up that we have up on blocks and the C-ment pond.  I'll have Jethro clear a space for you.  Duh.

Later Monday morning, the doorbell rang again.  There stood a guy in front of said forklift while his buddy ran it through my flowerbed and dug a trench into the lawn that you could lose a small child in.

He said:  Do you think your neighbor would mind if we took the forklift into his yard?  We can't get the unit onto the pad from this angle.

He meant:  I am trying to win an award for stupidest man on the face of the earth.  Based on the question I just asked you, how am I doing?

I said:  YES, HE WOULD MIND!  I'm not happy about what you did to my yard, and I'm the one getting the generator.

I meant:  Seriously?  Did your mother have any children that lived?  My yard looks like the marines were using it to practice war games and you're asking me if you can do the same thing to my neighbor's yard?  Oh, and if my rosebushes and cherry tree are in your way, just plow right over them.  Ooops.  Wait.  Too late.  You already did.  Grrrrrrr.