Dumb and Dumber Questions and Comments

I put my foot in my mouth ALL the time.  To be truthful, most of the time it is both feet.

I recently tried to compliment someone on a dress they were wearing and I told them that  I never would have picked out that dress if I had seen it on the hanger.  There is no fixing something like that. "Uh, yeah cause that dress is uglier than a baboon's backside.  But not on you. Oh no.  You totally make it work.  Hey, did anyone ever tell you that you look just like Cindy Crawford in that dress? Yeah, it is from her 'dresses that should never be worn outside of communist Russia, circa 1935 line.'"(sigh)

So I am always glad when someone else jams their foot in their mouth.  I hate being dumb alone. Fortunately, I seem to have a lot of company recently.

After one single dose of chemo, my hair abandoned ship and so I got a wig.  I took it to my salon where they cut and colored it to look just like my own hair.  Or so I thought.  Apparently, my stylist thought I wanted to look like Honey Boo Boo at the Miss America competition (ie: really big hair.  No, I mean REALLY BIG hair.  Like, "Raise the bridge, she's coming through" hair.  Like, "Dear God, did a racoon die on her head?" hair.  Like, "So if you were standing next to the Eiffel Tower, which of you would be taller?" hair.

Not long after, I was meeting a friend for lunch who greeted me by saying, "Wow, so is that a wig? It looks really good from a distance."

Uh.  Thanks?  And up  close it looks like...???

I flat-ironed it that night.  And then washed it, blew it dry, flat-ironed it again, rinsed and repeated.

But one of the best questions I have encountered is on every form I now have to fill out at doctor's offices:  So you have cancer:  Do you suffer from depression or anxiety?

I was just diagnosed with cancer.  OF COURSE I am depressed and anxious.  Cancer is a total buzz kill.  Did you think I would be happy and carefree?  I mean, really?  Do you even need to ask that question???  I think maybe you should just take that as a given in a cancer patient. Hint:  I am NOT the one sitting in the office whistling Zippity Do Dah!

Tying for first place with that was the guy from the insurance company who called and left a message on the phone telling me that since I was diagnosed with cancer, I can now be offered "perks."

Really??? Perks??? Jackpot!!!  If I had known there were "perks" involved, I would have gotten cancer YEARS ago!!!  So, what exactly are we talking about here?  Sunglasses to protect everyone from the glare off my bald head?  Or maybe a really nifty pill case shaped like a Pez dispenser for my medicine?  How about a Louis Vuitton  drip bag for the I V?   Yeah.  They might want to rethink their wording.

At least it's comforting to know I don't always have the biggest mouth (or feet) in the room!